A Message from the Chief Executive

The Chairman of Jensen Calvinist Corp. is splitting his Franchise into "regions" to more effectively make people's lives a misery. Like Burger King and McDonalds, the Chief Executive wants to have a local branch in each village and town to feed people religious junk. This new way of thinking is a radical change which has nothing to do with the £160 million the company lost by gambling on the Stock Market. Shares in the Jensen Family Inc. plummeted after God showed the Chairman the wickedness of his ways.

Mission Area thinking from Sydneyanglicans.net on Vimeo.

STAND FIRM Celebrates with Balloons

We are interested to hear that Viagrans have booked their tickets for Sex Week at Yale. It is one of the important aspects of "conservative" blogging that bible-believers are aware of stimulating events which no Calvinist should miss. Otherwise, why notify anyone? STAND FIRM is pleased to advertise some of the forth-coming attractions to which they are making a mad dash. Topics include zoophilia, balloon fetishes, men dressing up like women, men dressing up like animals, men dressing up like babies (complete with diapers), gay fur erotica, sneeze fetishes, and cannibal play. There are two categories of “fetishes” and “kink". STAND FIRM is an endless source of information for people with unusual biblical tastes. We 'liberal' Anglicans lead such boring lives! Without "conservative" sites like Viagraville and Anglican Mainstream, we wouldn't know what these people do at "Bible Class".

This Site is Closing!

The threatened Schism in the Anglican Communion is no longer a threat after a brilliant speech by ++Rowan Williams. He made it clear that there was blame on all sides of the argument that has brought the Church to the brink of splitting. He also issued a “profound apology” to the lesbian and gay Christian community today, at the General Synod. Chairman of the happy-clappy 16th Century Church group Reform, the Reverend "Dyno" Rod Thomas, told the BBC he believed the Archbishop's address was positive for traditionalists. He said: "I thought it was a very wise speech, asking Christians to bear with one another and to care about the impact they're having on one another". We are extremely proud that "Dyno" has taken note of the Archbishop's wise words, and those of us at Unthinking Anglicans. We have always maintained that all Anglicans should live together in peace and harmony, showing each other mutual respect. That is why those at Anglican Mainstream, STAND FIRM, Sydney Baptists and Reform must stop their silliness and cease writing articles which have the whole Church in fits of laughter. They've become beyond a joke. Now that these groups have promised to practice tolerance and understanding, we at Unthinking Anglicans are closing down. Unless they start making us laugh again.

Sex-Mad Vicar "Exhausted" Shock!

One of the disadvantages of having a sex-mad Vicar is the likelhood of being invited to have rumpy-pumpy with him. That is why it's always best to avoid members of Anglican Mainstream. But poor old Reverend Stephen Smith has been caught with his trousers down after having illicit nookie with a woman. "I thought we’d get married. He was sex mad and often took me back to his vicarage for a “bit of the other'" says one satisfied customer. Mr Smith is to be admired for his sense of vocation. He never forgot his role during a leg-over. "‘He would start praying and say “Praise the Lord” for the tender moments we had shared together" says his admiring lover. Parishioners at St Mary’s Church, in Cardington, Bedfordshire, were told during a Sunday service that Mr Smith was exhausted. And no wonder! Most Anglicans love to talk about sex incessantly. But good old Mr Smith got on with it! He is deserving of our deepest sympathy. His Team Rector says "We send him our love and very best wishes for better health in the coming year.’ Mr Smith needs to get his strength back. It's hard work spreading love around an Anglican Parish. He is pictured here with his lovely pussy.

What an unGay Day!

It's always sad when a gay man settles down with a wife and family to a life of boredom and conventional Biblical Marriage. After telling the whole world about his raunchy gay life, poor Haydn Sennitt seems to be missing the thrills. As a Calvinist contributer to the Sydney Baptist website, gay hotty Haydn has lost all his enthusiasm since marrying a woman. He writes on his morose, 'straight' blog: "Sorry, I’ve nothing to say these days. I guess there’s nothing really worth writing about. Besides, who the shit cares what I write? It reminds me of a quote from Hamlet: “How weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable seem to me all the uses of this world!” (Act 1, Scene 2, 133-134). He's even posted a picture of poor old Hamlet kissing his dead boy-friend. Happy days.

Holy Cow!

We are grateful to Archbishop Orombi for the loving pastoral care shown in his proposed amendments to the Ugandan anti-homosexualist Bill. After receiving world-wide criticism for his silence on gay executions, the holy Father-in-God has clarified that men should not have sex with animals. Whilst admirably wishing to protect "the boy child" from Ugandan gay predators, the Archbishop also wishes to protect girls from wicked female perverts, along with cows and horses who may also be sexually assaulted. There's nothing more unsightly than a lesbian woman having sex with a cow. Not only does this cause psychological damage to the bovine creature, it destroys the whole meaning of Christian Marriage. Orombi wishes to call Ugandans back to having sex with each other, and not with their farm animals. He rightly wishes to have the Parliamentary Bill amended to include this urgent problem facing the Anglican Communion. Clergy are asked to stay away from farmyards in case they are led into temptation.

BEWARE! Furry Creature May Attack!

Happy-clappys in Sydney are going full-steam-ahead in their Connect09 campaign to bring more people to Jean Calvin, despite the fact it is 2010. Spearheaded by a man with a furry animal, the failed campaign is going into over-drive. Bible-believers have been advised to place their furry-animal Tracts in strategic places like hospitals, dentists' and doctors' surgeries. This devious plan is likely to take people who are under anaesthetic unawares. People recovering from surgical operations will awake to find a Calvinist Animal staring at them; whilst open-mouthed folks in the dentist's chair will be unable to refuse the invitation to become a Jensenite. Family BBQ evenings are also likely to be interrupted. Men will have a Tract thrust into their hands while they are grilling sausages. Ordinary people in Sydney are asked to be on full alert to the grinning Calvinists who are set to disrupt normal life. Having failed to convert a single soul last year, the happy-clappys are determined to make everyone's life a total misery.

"New Canadian Archbishop of Canterbury" Announced

The next Archbishop of Canterbury may be a Canadian Woman who has a hairstyle like ++Rowan Williams, according to the general secretary of the Anglican Church of Canada. Bishop Victoria Matthews (left) is set to become a Successor of St Augustine, says Archdeacon Michael Pollesel. Bishop Matthews is now the bishop of Christchurch, New Zealand. As "primatess-inter-pares" of the Anglican Communion, her first task will be to have a nice hair-do before being enthroned in Canterbury Cathedral. Bishop Victoria will be a unifying figure, as she will send thousands of Anglo-Catholic clergy into re-union with Rome, while happy-clappys will come under the umbrella of the Jensen Family as Sydney Baptists. The Anglican Communion can then concentrate on ordaining hundreds of women Bishops, and conducting wedding services for every gay in the world. Future Lambeth Conferences will be less divisive under Archbishop Victoria. Top of the Agenda will be subjects as diverse as "favourite recipes" and "house-keeping tips" for the modern Woman Bishop. Bring it on!

un-Reform "To Play Songs Elsewhere" Horror!

Happy-clappys from the 16th Century have threatened to withhold money to the Church of England if Bishopesses have 'headship' over male bible-believers. Unradical Calvinist, "Dyno" Rod Thomas of Reform refuses to recognise a woman is capable of leading anything. Reform say they will be forced to tell newly ordained ministers to leave the Church of England. According to the Independent, happy-clappy, un-reformed churches have contributed more than £22 to church coffers in the past decade. This is about $30 and could cripple the whole Church of England if this huge sum is withheld. Mr Rod Thomas has threatened to take his ministers outside the structures of the Church, in order to play his guitar elsewhere. This will be a terrible blow to the dignity of Anglican Worship which has long cherished the use of the tambourine in Worship Meetings. Some Anglicans will weep openly in the streets to see Mr Thomas take his drum-kit to the nearest Baptist Chapel. Dobby Ould will be inconsolable. Others have said they will be grateful to see him go. They make far too much noise anyway with their horrible songs. Bye bye, Mr Thomas.

Setting the BBC "Straight".

The BBC is said to be one of the biggest employers of homosexualists in the UK. Anglican Mainstream's gay members have been asked to complete a survey about how "nancy boys" are portrayed on BBC TV. Too often, we think of Anglican Mainstream as consisting entirely of effeminate men and women with beards. This can give a false impression to the BBC which believes that all gays conform to the Anglican Mainstream stereotype. Although many bible-believers at the conservative website are obsessed with gay sex, it would be a disservice to the gay community for the BBC to think all gays are as prissy as those at Anglican Mainstream. You can partake of the BBC's survey here. Please fill it in. We would like readers to tell the BBC we are sick of seeing gays always made to look like Canon Chris Sugden (left).

A Calvinist's New Message to the World

We at Unthinking Anglicans would like to welcome into the blogosphere a New Writer in Jensenland. Mr Graham Stanton (right) has joined the Sydney Calvinist website to share his profound biblical thoughts with the World. As a Calvinist Minister, he has many ideas and a wonderful message to convey. He comes reluctantly to the role as someone not "craving to be famous". It's too late, Graham! The Whole World is now lapping up your thoughts! We have already read your first message to us, and all your fellow bible-believers. We particularly like the knotty problem you have posed us all. "Would you give me some suggestions of things you would like to discuss?" Er, no Graham. That's your job. We are totally impressed that in your first message you have said absolutely NOTHING!

"Healthy Man in Miracle Cure" Joy!

One of the best and cheapest ways for we Anglican clergy to get a free trip to Lourdes is to inform the congregation we are dying. That's what Sydney priest, Father Richard Abourjaily, did and he thoroughly enjoyed his freebie to France. He told parishioners he had prostate cancer and used money they gave him to go to Lourdes to seek a "miracle cure". Obviously, he came back completely healed, as there was nothing wrong with him in the first place. Sadly, the wicked Cardinal Pell has branded the healthy man as "delusional". It is a shame when a priest can't steal all of his parishioner's money for a free holiday. Coming from Sydney, it is understandable that he was slightly shady. The Calvinists lost money beyond Fr Abourjaily's wildest dreams. Mr Jensen's loss of $160 million could have bought Lourdes. But then they wouldn't be seen dead there. Just think of the trips the Jensens could have made to Jean Calvin's French Bible Shrine with their ill-gotten gambling proceeds.

Fat Lady Signals "End of Church" Horror!

Fr Edward Tomlinson (right) is a fat Anglo-Catholic looking forward to a large "compensation package" from the Church of England. He is being forced to become a member of Pope Benny's Anglican Section, after the CofE has decided to have Bishopesses. Thousands of clergy are expected to join Fr Ed, now that "the fat lady is clearing her throat". Ruth Gledhill's blog has disclosed there is to be no provision for Fr Ed, and countless other straight priests, after "flying Bishops" are to be sent to the dole queue. It is only right that clergy forced out of the Church of England should receive millions of pounds. Wages of Roman Catholic clergy are notoriously low. They are insufficient to keep an ex-Anglican in a steady supply of gin and gorgeous vestments. Ex-Anglicans will find that uncultered Roman clergy don't share their tastes for fine wines and food, and are hopeless at liturgy. If Fr Ed doesn't receive a huge amount of money this "would constitute one of the worst scandals in the modern history of Western Christianity." Not since Thomas 'a Becket was murdered has such a wicked crime occurred. We salute Fr Ed. Every man has to follow the "cost of conscience". In his case, it's a six-figure sum.

Broken Table Horror!

Every Anglican on earth will be HORRIFIED that a STAND FIRM display-table at an Episcopal Church Convention has been VANDALISED! It is shocking that Viagrans have been subjected to such a narrow-minded act of spite. Every Anglican Diocese loves to have people displaying Tracts telling Church-goers how horrible they are. Especially from people who have left the Church. Viagrans in Mississippi attempted to tell Episcopalian gays that they were wicked, and can become "post-gay" by reading one of their Tracts. And this upset the so-called 'liberals'! The Episcopalians should be arrested and thrown into prison for knocking over the table! A Life Sentence wouldn't be enough. We in England are more broadminded, however. The General Synod takes place this week and will have its usual array of stalls. Among the evangelical "Jesus Saves" badges, and the Walsingham Statues of Our Lady, will be the more "conservative" displays belonging to Osama ben Laden and Mahmoud Abidinejad. Hopefully, their helpful tracts asking for gays to be executed won't be defaced!

Communist Conspiracy Exposed!

Everyone knows there's a correlation between the spurious dogma of "Climate Change" and the promotion of wicked homosexualism. Ever since a Communist was elected to the White House, these two anti-biblical heresies have gained momentum. Not only is Obama admitting effeminate men into the Army, to stage a gay coup, he is claiming God's Planet is getting hotter. Similarly, his Australian Communist counterpart, Kevin Rudd, is pushing the Global Gay-Warming Agenda. As a former Roman Catholic, Rudd is now masquerading as an Anglican. Does he not realise that Anglicans are hated by the Jensen Family in Australia? Thankfully, God has raised up Tony Abbott, a devout, promiscuous RC to tell the TRUTH about so-called Climate Change. It's all a big, gay con! Our Lord wrote in his Calvinist Book, The Revelation of St Jean Calvin the Divine, that His Father would send the occasional bush fire to scorch Sydney, to recall people from gay sin. Temperatures have always been hot in the Dioceses of Sydney and Nigeria. Heat always rises around the time of Sydney Mardi Gras "Gay Pride Week" to show Our Heavenly Father's displeasure. The only people who can save this planet from Global Gay-Warming are Tony Abott, Sarah Palin and the hundreds of people in the Jensen Family.

"Footballer Accidently Sins" Shock!

A new study confirms that polygamy is a staple within gay "marriages," according to Anglican Mainstream. Nancy Boys are never content with one partner, but have to indulge in rampant homosexualism to satisfy their perverted lusts. Unlike bible-believing heterosexualists, gays are all sex mad and, like Anglican Mainstream, think of nothing else. Take John Terry (left), for instance. As Captain of the English Football Team, he had become a role-model for all Calvinists. He was voted "Dad of the Year" for his commitment to his gorgeous, pouting wife (right) and his family. Although he has paid £800,000 hush money to a hussy to keep their affair secret, he has proved to the world he is not a promiscuous gay. "He does not want any ex-lovers coming out of the woodwork," a source said last night. Anglican Mainstream's sister newspaper has an account of the macho man's Christian Family life. Mr Terry's Vicar, the Rev Jeremy Cresswell says "“At this stage we’re trying to be compassionate in the community," after his parishioner accidently bonked four members of his congregation, Obviously, had Mr Terry been a rampant gay, he would have been consigned to Hell. But since he is a heterosexual who keeps dropping his football shorts, he is deserving of our sympathy.

Doggy-style

Young children having sex with animals is becoming more popular, according to Anglican Mainstream. This latest pornographic news is set to make bible-believers very excited at their next Sex Conference. "Nature has given us sex so we can use it with another girl, with a boy or with an animal.” say the happy-clappy fundamentalists. Many young people are likely to read Anglican Mainstream, and try copulating with their hamsters and gerbils. At one time, a boy was given a dog simply as a pet and companion. Now Anglican Mainstream suggests he should use his best friend as a sex partner. This is likely to promote marriage between men and same-sex hounds in liberal Anglicanism. We are glad that Anglican Mainstream has alerted us to this possibility. It is typical of wishy-washy liberals to promote rumpy-pumpy between lesbians and their bitches.

Wallace wants ACNE

The Church of England is set for a new row over homosexuality with bishops divided over moves to recognise a breakaway Sect in the US according to the Daily Telegraph. Conservative bible-thumpers have declared their support for a motion at this week's General Synod which would ally the Church with the "Anglican" Church in North America (ACNE). Leading fundamentalist, Wallace Benn, Bishop of Lewes (left), says "It seems to me that the House of Bishops' motion is just needlessly undermining, delaying and prevaricating." This is because an amendment has been proposed which would simply acknowledge ACNE's existence. The amending clause would be like saying "We accept that certain people have ACNE, but we don't believe we should have facial spots ourselves". Wallace Benn is a leading figure in Reform, a 16th Century movement which wants to take Anglicans back to the time when Calvin founded God's Church. Wallace is a star of Calvinist Fundamentalism, and has featured in various movies, including Gay Vicars and The Curse of the Were-Rabbit. Wallace believes that homosexualism is a curse sent by God to people who don't accept Reform. His task is to rid the world of The Curse of Were-Gays and for all men to live in the 16th Century.

Anglican Website "Harmful to Young" Horror!

Young people have been warned that reading Anglican Mainstream can have harmful effects on their sexual development. In a new report, Dr Michael Flood cited a study showing that young people who view pornography are more likely than non-users to have had sexual intercourse, masturbated, had homosexual sex and one-night stands. He says that pornography “is a very poor sex educator because it shows sex in unrealistic ways and fails to address intimacy, love, connection or romance”. Many young people with access to the Internet are stumbling upon Anglican Mainstream. Believing it to be a respectable site about the Church, some have become hooked on the site's addiction to sex. A series of videos from a recent Sex Conference even shows a man having sex with a horse. The Revd Professor John Nolland, of Trinity College Bristol, claims that Sex is the most important topic in the whole world. Trinity College trains happy-clappy students as Anglican "Word Ministers". There was a time when students simply learned God's Word. But Professor Nolland is turning them into sex maniacs. Unable to talk about anything else, Professor Nolland's website is fast becoming one of the world's most "googled" searches. It is even rivalling the world's second most searched-for website.

Mr Jensen's Porn Bank

We all know that Sydney Calvinists love looking at porn - and then denouncing it. Here, on SevenNetwork, a Calvinist Banker is searching for filth, unaware the TV cameras were on. (Computer screen background left). Mr Jensen lost most of his money on the Stock Market. Bankers looking at naughty pictures can't have helped.