What God says about Women

The Vatican has ordered a bishop in Victoria, Australia to withdraw an offer to let Anglicans ordain deacons in a Catholic church tomorrow because four of the seven are women. RC Bishop Joe Grech offered Bendigo Anglican Bishop Andrew Curnow use of the city's oldest Catholic church for the celebratory service because the Anglican cathedral is closed for repairs. On discovering that women would be ordained, the RC Bishop wet his pants. Roman Catholics in Australia take the same view of women as Sydney Calvinists - they can no more be ordained than can a kangaroo. This is a pity since the leaping marsupial has more brains than Male Ministers in Jensenland. RC layman Peter Bugden wrote to the local press saying that the decision was evidence that the Roman Curia was concerned with power and control, and that Christianity had been usurped by Churchianity. This is similar to Jensenianity. The main Jensen Doctrine is that women and gays are lower in God's Plan that kangaroos and wombats. If women start reading the Bible, no man will be secure. Women are designed to serve Men. God says. (i.e Mr Jensen)

Bloody Sheep!

There's nothing an Anglican likes better than a psychic night in the local pub reading crystals. But The Revd Nick Bromfield (left) has asked his parishioners to stop attending after the "untold damage" these social evenings can cause. The vicar, who attracts some of the biggest congregations in the Forest of Dean, west Gloucestershire, fears people are being conned, hurt or frightened out of their wits. A few weeks ago a parishioner at one of his churches was upset to find a severed sheep's head dripping with blood mounted on a pole in the grounds. "Naturally it wasn't very pleasant and I burned it," said the vicar, who fears it could have been a warning. "But I think it's something that clergy in many rural parishes have experienced" he adds. The vicar says he has seen animal carcasses laid out in circles. Many Anglican clergy are now having to deal with bloody sheep's heads on poles. In fact, it is one of the most popular hobbies the laity have. Church-goers are asked to take their sheep's heads home with them and not to decorate the Church grounds after Mattins.

"What God doesn't want"

This Preacher is obviously a bible-believing Viagran. Being a right-wing, happy-clappy he is DEFINITE about what the Lord DOESN'T want in our lives. Although he is American, he is a good enough Preacher to work in Sydney Diocese.

SHAME! on Bishops and US Right-wingers!

Andrew Brown has criticised English Bishops for remaining silent in face of the monstrous anti-gay Bill going through the Ugandan Parliament. "Give them a hundred years, though, and they will turn up at a memorial service to weep for the victims.". It's not easy being against gays in the Anglican Communion, and then being expected to defend them against torture and death in one Anglican country. "The American right funded and organised the disintegration of the Anglican Communion as a part of its efforts to break up the Episcopal Church of America." These right-wingers fund African countries in order to spread their hate and venom. Renowned

pastor, Robert Kayanja, was accused recently of sodomy. He was arrested. Some young men later retracted their statements, claiming they had been paid to frame Kayanja. American right-wingers are renowned for their continuous gay-baiting and hatred of the Episcopal Church. Their campaigns are background noise to the rising tide of gay persecutions in Uganda which could result in gays being put to death. ++John Sentamu of York is uncharacteristically silent. His brother is Pastor Robert Kayanja - falsely accused of sodomy.

Pop Idol performs for "Anglican Mainstream"

Music fans at Anglican Mainstream have directed us to the USA's latest pop sensation, openly-gay Adam Lambert who has outraged conservative bible-believers by his unscriptural performances. Anglican Mainstream says "The American Idol runner-up sang his new release “For Your Entertainment” while kissing his male keyboardist, simulating oral sex with another male performer and making a rude gesture to the audience". We are grateful to AM's music critic for bringing this talented young man's performance to the attention of the Anglican Communion. Without Anglican Mainstream some of us would have missed it.

"Jesus Educated by the English" - New Evidence Joy!

Every Anglican knows that Our Lord came to England to further His education. Coming from a professional background, His Carpenter Dad sent him to the UK to enable Him to speak with a cultured English accent. Now a film has sought to add flesh to these facts by claiming it's perfectly plausible the Messiah made an educational trip to Glastonbury. Whilst there, He took the opportunity to further his maths by studying under druids. (++Rowan Williams himself is a hairy druid). Glastonbury is also home to an annual Rock Festival, which Our Lord attended in His youth. Ted Harrison, the film's director, says "Jesus was a young man curious to find out about all sorts of things. He would have come to learn what was being taught about astronomy and geometry which was being taught at "universities" run by druids at the time." Like all students, He would have taken time off to visit the Rock Festival, although there's no evidence He took ecstacty tablets or got high on acid. William Blake's hymn Jerusalem refers to the visit with its opening lines: 'And did those feet in ancient time Walk upon England's mountains green?" The answer is "Yes". The new film shows definitive evidence that Jesus became a liberal Anglo-Catholic after His visit to these glorious shores.

"Brain-washing to be abolished in Sydney" Shock!

The Calvinist Chapel of St Jensen wants New South Wales Premier Nathan Rees to abandon a trial of ethics classes for students who do not want to attend scripture in schools. For 120 years school children have been indoctrinated in the beliefs of Jensenism in Sydney. Calvinists are defending their right to teach young people they live in "utter depravity" . This includes God's view that women are inferior, gays an abomination, and Jean Calvin is the only female to be respected. Lunatics at the "Anglican" Church League are worried that the government's proposal to teach "ethics" instead of right-wing fundamentalism will prohibit brain-washing in NSW schools. 'Bishop' Mr Greg Davis said allowing a secular organisation to deliver its program at the same time as the current religious teachings set a "dangerous precedent". He is right. Never has such a 'danger' threatened the Calvinist strangle-hold on vulnerable children's minds. If young people are taught they can make rational, ethical decisions based on a philosophy other than Jensenism, Mr Davis's Chapels could close. Anglicans will be pleased that Premier Rees is bringing hope to thousands of young people who have faced oppression and insane indoctrination for over a century. Not until Jensenism is abolished will young people be set free.

Tories "abolish Christmas" Horror!

Everyone knows the Church of England used to be the "Tory Party at Prayer", in the same way that Viagrans at STAND FIRM are right-wing Republicans. It comes as a shock this year that official Tory Christmas cards (right) make no mention of Our Lord's Incarnation. The Christmas cards, which are available on the party's website, avoid all religious imagery - preferring generic winter scenes and pictures of robins to pictures of Jesus and the Three Kings. And the word 'Christmas' does not appear on them at all. Referring to Tory Leader David Cameron, Labour MP Steve Pound says "Even when it comes to Christmas cards he can't be straight about what he really believes.' This will come as a shock to right-wingers everywhere. David "Dobby" Ould (left), for instance, is a Tory Boy who promotes his "Conservative" views, even from far-away Jensenland. And Anglican Mainstream will be shocked there is no reference to Sex on the Tories' secular cards. Unthinking Anglicans is worried that a future Tory Government will abolish Christianity in an attempt to appeal to secular Britain. Tories are simply "pretend Christians" who wish to promote their own self-interest in making themselves rich. We alert the world to this right-wing plot from so-called "bible-believers" who have more in common with oppressive atheist regimes than the values of the Church of England.

"Sydney Stinks" says Calvinist Minister

Calvinists in Jensenland are faced daily by rotting, stinking garbage on their way to Chapel Meetings. Not the garbage that comes from "Archbishop" Peter Jensen's mouth. But the putrid rubbish lining the streets of filthy Sydney (right). A burning question for "born-again" Calvinists is "Does the Bible tell me to clean the nauseating garbage from the street?" The answer is "Yes". Crackers Craig Shwarze asks "Should I stop every morning, stain my crisp white business shirt, and shovel up the garbage by hand? Wouldn’t that be loving?" There is no finer work for a Calvinist Minister than picking up discarded beer bottles, used condoms and human faeces off the streets of Sydney. "Scripture enjoins us to work hard in order to earn our own keep (2 Thessalonians 3:7-10)" says Craig. Everyone knows that Sydney stinks. Most of the bad odour comes from Mr Jensen's Chapels. But if he sent out all his Ministers onto the streets to collect garbage, they would have less time to preach rubbish inside.

"Anglican Mainstream" endorses Sex Toys

Bible-believers at Anglican Mainstream are finding it hard to keep up with the latest methods of teaching juveniles about sex. In their latest Sex Guide, AM reveals it's admiration for Spanish, Catholic sex-education involving sex toys. In late October, the regional government of southwestern Spain launched a new sexual-education campaign designed to facilitate the "development of healthy habits, self-esteem and safety." Two women who, in addition to running sex-education workshops, co-own a shop in Madrid called Lola's Pleasures, which specializes in erotic devices. The religious workshops are called Pleasure Is in Your Hands. It was this last element that attracted attention across the country. "Masturbation Workshops for Adolescents"are now popular among Spanish Youth. Anglican Mainstream is to be thanked for bringing this course to the attention of bible-believers. No "conservative" Anglican should be without a Bible and an erotic toy. Unthinking Anglicans fully endorses Anglican Mainstream's daily articles on eroticism. Without their total obsession with sex, their informative website would be blank.

Hairy-faced Calvinists Horror!

If there's one thing that worries a Calvinist man in Sydney more than being gay, it's the state of his prostate. This part of the male anatomy is being discussed in Sydney Chapels as men gather to study God's Infallible Word. By proving their masculinity, happy-clappy men in Jensenland have all started to grow a MO (moustache). Hairy-faced Minister Michael Kellahan says "Moustaches have taken over the Parish. I can’t move without tripping over a moustache. Some truly horrible facial hair is being grown for a great cause". Some men are so worried about their prostates they have joined "prostate groups" to pray that the Lord Jesus won't inflict them with prostate cancer. Mr Kellahan solemnly says they "dealing with something deadly serious in a fun and engaging blokey and competitive way".By comparing the size of their moustaches and prostates, Calvinist men are putting their finger on an important topic. They certainly know how to have stimulating "meetings" in Jensenland as the bible-believing menfolk compare sizes with each other. Of their moustaches, that is.

Nude Calvinists Horrify Sydney!

Calvinists in Sydney have hit a new low in their obsession with sex, pornography and gambling. Not content with talking incessantly about sex on their Diocesan Website, they have now taken to doing it in the open-air. A couple astonished onlookers by getting down to business on the roof of one of the city's landmarks in the middle of the afternoon! Calvinists gathered at the foot of the building – a former department store converted into university accommodation – and at least one member of the public thought fit to capture their passions on camera (left). Australian newspapers are now appealing for the couple to come forward. It is thought they attended one of Mr Phillip Jensen's talks on sex at Sydney's Anglican Cathedral. Calvinists take the Bible literally. When Mr Jensen told his congregation to "go out and multiply", the couple wasted no time in putting his biblical instructions into action.

"The most Gay Diocese on Earth" Shock!

The Bishop of Carlisle has praised flood victims in Cumbria for their resilience as he urged Christians to pray. Bishop James Newcome, spoke of his pride and gratitude to local clergy and congregations who have stepped in to assist flood victims with shelter, food and comfort. Carlisle is a town which contains a stone on which there is inscribed a "curse" made by the RC Archbishop of Glasgow. Bishop Newcome's predecessor, Graham Dow, (left) asked that the curse be removed as it was causing floods and the relegation of the local football team. Flooding, according to Bishop Dow, was also caused by oral and anal sex. This has been seen in the unfortunately-named town of Cockermouth. He expressed his sympathy for those who have been hit by the weather, but added "The sexual orientation regulations [which give greater rights to gays] are part of a general scene of permissiveness". This can cause a whole Diocese to be submerged under water. As an evangelical exorcist, Bishop Dow was aware that the Devil enters a man up his bottom. If he is correct, Carlisle is the most gay Diocese on earth. Some unfortunate people will be homeless for months after the recent floods caused by the Devil's entry into men's bottoms. Bishop Dow says that Carlisle's strange activities are referred to in the Bible as "the Beast".

"No Popery" Message from devout Christians

Devout Anglicans have expressed their desire to remain in the beloved Church of England by posting a polite message on their Church Notice Board. Expressing a wish not to enter Pope Benny's Italian Mission, parishioners at St Saviour’s, Walthamstow have made their objections quite clear. Fr David Waller says a significant number of his congregation are Eastern European Roman Catholics, so becoming Benny's followers won't be a problem for them. Fr Waller also found a message waiting for him on his answering machine threatening him with physical violence. Anglicans wishing to remain in the Church of England should daub their Church Notice Boards with white paint and threaten to hit the Vicar.

"Gays shouldn't be bashed" SHOCK!

Church leaders in Liverpool have shocked bible-believers by condemning homophobia in the City. In a statement they have said "The leaders of the churches in Liverpool believe it is wrong for anyone in the community of which we are all part to be victimised, or threatened with victimisation, on account of their race, creed, colour or sexual orientation." This astonishing condemnation of gay-bashing is bound to cause friction among Calvinists who see their main vocation as making gays' lives a misery. Gay trainee policeman James Parkes was severely injured in an attack in Liverpool last month, while a 19-year-old gay student told the Liverpool Echo on Friday that he had been attacked by young boys last week. Many church people think such men got what they deserved for choosing their disgusting lifestyle. If Church Leaders start treating homosexualists like human beings, what will become of Viagrans at STAND FIRM and the homophobes at the "Anglican" Church League?

"Dress up for Christmas" says Bishop.

The Rt Rev Jonathan Gledhill, the Bishop of Lichfield (left) has told Anglicans to dress up to show unbelievers it's nearly Christmas. He also criticised “politically-correct” companies and local councils who sought to make the period a secular celebration. Bishop Gledhill says "Companies sacking those who want to wear a cross or fish lapel badge and councils rebranding Christmas out of fear of offending ethnic minorities are decisions made out of sheer ignorance". All Anglicans should heed his call. Many clergy would find a warmer welcome in people's homes if they were to dress up like Santa Claus. And there's no reason why the laity shouldn't wear antler's horns at work to remind people of Rudolph the reindeer. It is time we were more militant in our beliefs.

Archbishop Peter Jensen's Christmas Toys

Jensen Publishing House Matthias Media have just created two new toys for religious maniacs to give to their brain-washed Calvinist children for Christmas. The Action Man figure is known as the Dobby Doll (left), named after David Ould, a devoted house-boy in Jensen Toyland. This novelty toy comes with many accessories, so little boys will have hours of fun undressing Dobby and playing with all his bits. By pressing his manly chest once, the doll says "My name is Dobby"; press twice, and he says "I am not a post-homosexualist". For little girls, there is the Jensen Barbie. Designed to teach females their lowly place, the modestly-clad doll shows how women are to dress for Calvinist "meetings" in Mr Jensen's Chapels. Their clothes are stuck on with super-glue, so they cannot be removed. Thousands of Calvinist children will benefit from these lovely gifts. Not only will they get lots of pleasure, these toys form an important part of sex education in Jensenland. Hurry while stocks last! They can be ordered directly from the "Anglican" Church League.

Sydney Brain Research Shock!

Recent scientific research has uncovered new ways by which the human brain makes decisions. The Jensen Calvinist Academy of Neuro-Science is making ground-breaking inroads into the workings of this mysterious organ. Research shows that when Eve tempted Adam to eat an apple, this negatively affected the neuro-transmitters by which seratonin is circulated around the brain. This has resulted in a genetic pre-disposition to "utter depravity" which all of us inherit. This conclusion was reached in the 16th Century by gloomy bible-believer Ms Jean Calvin. Her teachings still hold sway in Sydney, even to this day. A scientist writes of Sydney Calvinists: "Our minds and our emotions are depraved and need to be regenerated".In some areas of the world, people have been known to take Prozac to alter brain chemicals. But in Sydney, people simply read God's Word, recognising that it will snap them out of their depravity. The X-ray (pictured) shows a cross-section of a normal brain (left). The brain (right) is of "Archbishop" Mr Peter Jensen, magnified 100 times.

"Marriage threat to Planet" Horror!

The greatest threat to Christian Marriage would be to recognise same-sex blessings. This is the conclusion of a representaive group of Calvinists, Baptists and Viagrans who have founded the Manhattan Declaration. Conservative Bible-believers are concerned that there will be a rush towards gay marriage if same-sex blessings are allowed. For heterosexual couples to realise that there is an alternative to 'straight' marriage, could tempt millions of Anglicans to seek a gay partner. Never before have so many people decided to be gay. By allowing men to marry only men, the Church would soon become extinct, since the male gender is lacking ovaries. This appalling prospect threatens the planet more than Global Warming (which Viagrans think is a left-wing conspiracy). Unthinking Anglicans fully supports the Manhatten Declaration. Bible-believers are grateful that Doctrinal Warrior, Dr Christian Troll, is spear-heading the campaign to save the planet. As Founder of this conservative movement, Dr Troll is highly qualified to prevent the human race from having the same fate as the dinasaur (which Viagrans don't believe in). God is grateful to Dr Troll for being his mouthpiece at this time of Global Gay Marriage.

USA "on road to British Hell"

Britain is in the grip of evil forces, according to "conservative" Anglicans. President Obama - who is the Devil Incarnate - is leading the USA down the same slippery slope to unbiblical Hell. Members of the Church of England are dying on British streets. Spyed on by a totalitarian government, ordinary Anglicans survive by visiting soup kitchens. Already, our Health Service has killed off millions of Church-goers. America has been warned!